


Secret for the Mad

by MintyBoi



Series: Song Fics [1]
Category: Criminal Minds (US TV)
Genre: Dreams and Nightmares, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Hopeful Ending, Implied/Referenced Drug Addiction, Past Drug Addiction, Sad Spencer Reid, Song Lyrics, Song fic, Spencer Reid Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-11
Updated: 2020-10-11
Packaged: 2021-03-07 17:53:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26941690
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MintyBoi/pseuds/MintyBoi
Summary: Spencer's Grieving for Maeve.This is a song fic for the song: Secret for the Mad by Dodie.
Relationships: Maeve Donovan/Spencer Reid
Series: Song Fics [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1965997
Kudos: 8





	Secret for the Mad

_I've got a secret for the mad_

_In a little bit of time it won't hurt so bad_

_And I get that I don't get it_

_But you will burn right now but then you won't regret it_

Reid woke suddenly. He couldn’t stay in that dream regardless of how good it was. He couldn’t dare take Maeve’s hand and dance with her. He didn’t know what was worse, his old nightmares from cases and Hankle or these new dreams with Maeve. All he knew is that they would end if he took her hand. He didn’t ever get to touch her, how would his mind recreate that feeling. Would he just go through her like a ghost? 

_You're not gonna believe a word I say_

_What's the point in just drowning another day_

_And I get that I don't get it_

_But the world will show you that you won't regret it_

The phone was ringing again. Another member of his team coming to ask if he was okay. He knew that Garcia was leaving baskets outside. His neighbor had told him that she was stealing one. JJ and Garcia at his door asking him to just knock if he was alive was the most interaction he had had with them in days. But then Morgan called asking for help on the case. Working on the case offered a new escape. He hung up everytime someone asked something that wasn’t directly related to the case. 

_Little things, all the stereotypes_

_They're gonna help you get through this one night_

_And there will be a day_

_When you can say you're okay and mean it_

He always had his go bag ready, that’s who he was. He was Dr. Spencer Reid, the genius of the BAU who had no life outside of his work. That’s who he had to be. He slipped “The Narrative of John Smith” into his bag. He knew he looked like a homeless man, he didn’t even look this bad when he was using, but he needed to get out and a case was the only thing he could drag his mind to let him leave for. He didn’t answer the calls from the team until he was in San Francisco and walking into the police station. Hotch’s surprise but immediate acceptance allowed him to pretend everything was fine. The book in his bag weighed more than it should. 

_I promise you it'll all make sense again_

_I promise you it'll all make sense again_

He knew the team was walking on eggshells and talking about him. He needed to do the only things that made sense. He had to focus on the structure and the process. Figure out bits and pieces feed those pieces to Garcia, get names and addresses. But he didn’t leave the station to go into the field. Instead he thought of Maeve, he wondered if this unsub would be the same as Maeve’s killer. They saved the victim, that was nice. The unsub was killed, Hotch shot this one. 

_There's nothing to do right now but try_

_There are a hundred people who will listen to you cry_

_And I get that they don't get it_

_But they love you so much that you won't regret it_

Hotch had told him it would take time. Garcia had left him the baskets. Alex had just accepted his okay. JJ gave him hugs and jokes. Rossi just treated him like nothing happened, with small glances of worry. Morgan just offered help with whatever he might need. The younger BAU members all ended back up at Reid’s place after the jet ride to help quietly clean up his apartment. They didn’t judge the amount of books they picked up. They didn’t comment on how dark his apartment was or the fact it was apparent he had barely eaten. They just helped to clean up and gave him a hug. 

_You're at the bottom, this is it_

_Just get through, you will be fixed_

_And you think, that I don't get it_

_But I burned my way through and I don't regret it_

Reid dreamt of Maeve again. He refused to dance with her again. He went to a “movie” to try and curb the feelings. He called Morgan to help him get him through a few late nights of cravings. He didn’t turn to JJ for grief like he had in the past. But he held Henry tight and made a point to visit. He kept telling himself if he just kept going he would get out of this, just like how he was able to get out of Dilaudid. He wondered more and more about what would happen if he took Maeve’s hand and danced with her.

_Little things, all the stereotypes_

_They're gonna help you get through this one night_

_And there will be a day_

_When you can say you're okay and mean it_

  
  


Soon the dream with Maeve even with it limiting his sleep became familiar and almost friendly. The cases continued. It turned out that they had another crazed unsub targeting the BAU, the Zugzwang had nothing to do with Maeve. He didn’t know if that made it better or worse. Rossi told him some strange story about a relative and a car. Reid understood the concept though, take the leap. Take Maeve’s hand. Turned out dancing with Maeve even in a dream was a magical experience and he found himself well rested the next morning. That day he was able to look everyone on the team in the eye when they asked if he was okay. It still hurt and the book was still heavy in his bag, but it was okay. He was going to be okay. 

_I promise you it'll all make sense again_

_I promise you it'll all make sense again_

_I promise you it'll all make sense again_

_I promise you it'll all make sense again_


End file.
